some random thoughts again...

You have often said you took me for granted and you did not want to. I wonder if I did the same. I am full of regrets. I wish I could have loved you more or better???...tell you why I loved you every time we said "I love you." I wish I wrote you more letters. I wish you wrote me more letters. I wish you made me more dinners without me asking for it. I wish we traveled more together. I wish I traveled alone. I wish you traveled alone. I wish we try 1 new thing once a month to see what we could do together. We enjoyed hikes but it was never a consistent activity. We tried bowling for a while. You introduced me to games. I don't know if I ever took you to my favorite museums. I don't think these would have changed the outcome of us but I still regret not showing you more how much I love you. 

I did know I wanted to grow with you. I wanted to make mistakes with you. I wanted to experience things with you. Some people grow apart. Some people meet when they have all "grown". Some people meet young and stay together. I never thought I would be alone at 40 because it turned out my bf did not know what he wanted including me. I feel like a failure. Can you fail at love? But I guess life is supposed to be like this. You fall, stumble again...and rise. ..do I grow stronger or bitter? I am afraid I am going to start building a little home for myself..and no one will be allowed to come in except for you. I have to protect myself. Will you be the big bad wolf? 

My love for you is also my hope. Your green eyes were of faded olive with dashes of gold and I saw hope. Your lashes were soft and curled beautifully. Your facial hair is structured neatly like you have little spirits living in your beard. I never liked facial hair and so much hair on body before I met you. You disliked the hair growing on your back neck. I have always loved the way it would tickle my face. I can still feel them at my finger tips. I loved cutting your hair. We played salon and eventually I got better at trimming. When we met, you had a short buzz cut. It hid your softer side. I learned the truth. You were a kitty and a softie. Your physical stature may have been intimating for some but to me you were a fun, loving boy. You loved being playful. You said I brought that side out of you. You embarrass easily. I love laughing at myself and you let me laugh at you. You said I have made you the person you are now. If I did you well, someone else will reap the finality of you. i hope they appreciate you. 

I remember one of our dates in NYC. I took you to a bar I enjoyed. They played hip hop. You let me sway with you to the music but I did not know you disliked dancing. I love dancing. I was not good at it but I loved being silly on the dance floor. I liked moving with the music. I wanted to do more silly dances with you but we never did. You at least slow danced with me. I loved seeing your father be silly on the dance floor. It was like seeing me. I stood by you when you did not want to do certain things. Because we were partners. I did not want to pressure you. I went along with your ways. Was I too accommodating? 

If you manage to meet someone new, I hope you find that person is nothing like me. I don't want you to be reminded of me. I don't want to be compared. I want to be left as myself, the only "fish" in your heart. A friend has said I will make another connection again, that you are not the only one for me. I can make my own fate. I wanted that person to be you. I chose you. Do I wait now to be chosen? I have been told I am too aggressive with men. I should play some games...wait for them to come to me. When I spotted you out of a crowd, I wanted you right away. I never thought we'd stay together. I was just there for a good time. It was just another typical weekend for me...go meet someone random. If we connect, cool, if we don't that's cool too. But you let me play with you. You have said you liked being picked by me. I want you to pick now. 

Once someone read my palm. I was with a group of women and I was the only one whose palm revealed only a few lovers in life...no marriage and no children. I think it may have been right on. I don't feel sad about that. I am starting to believe that prediction.  I don't think I have much left for anyone new. I know that sounds silly but it is normal to feel this way, right? I want to protect myself. I want to fall in love again with myself. I want to put myself first again. I want to travel when I want to. I want to try and live... I try to live without regrets. Or at least I thought I did. I have many regrets about us. 

You said you were sad to lose your best friend. I did not know I was your best friend. That made me feel

sad as well but liked knowing this new fact. I never had a best friend before. I loved that you had one..and many but one for sure. He was your guy. And you were his. I loved seeing your friendship with him. We went to his wedding. It was my first wedding with you. You gave such a beautiful toast. You felt proud and happy for your friend. You made people laugh and feel the love. I remember you toasting at our first group Valentine's day dinner. My friend made fun of you to me privately. We giggled about it but I loved it. It was a surprise to me. I love that about you. You were shy but you spoke well in public. 

Dr.Guy Winch says I am in for a fight. I have been fighting for 4 days. I don't know that I can take this much longer. Luckily, I feel a glimmer of hope tonight. I have to make a list of all the things I disliked about you. That is supposed to help me move on. I am afraid that list is going to be a short one. Maybe I will make a list of all the things we did wrong as a couple. 

I worry about you. I know you are hurting as well. Even though we are supposed to be going our separate ways, I know our love is still somewhere. I don't know where it is. That makes me feel a little bit ok. I can go on doing the mundane things in life just because we have to. 

I want to clean. I want to give away all my things. I want to be ready to leave when I want to. I don't want attachment to things. They are just things. Why do I have so many things...Someone I used to work with shared this common goal. We both wanted to prepare our life, organize it so that if we had suddenly died, it won't be such a big project for our families to go through. I tried to prepare this with my family. They don't want to talk about death. As much as I want to live long, I don't know what is there for me tomorrow. I am not ready. I want to be ready. You shared wanting to be ashes with me. I don't know where I want to be spread, but I want it to be in a body of water. I want to swim even after I am gone. I don't know where you wanted yours. I don't remember.