my kitty

 

I smile inside at the moment because I can see you. I don't need a photo to remember you. I have always doodled you but it is never the real deal. You will be happy again with someone new. But I hope you find some other happiness deep within...away from that cloud you feel hovering over. The sun is there, if you just come out under the umbrella of yours. :-) 

I want to keep you as well. And I will for a long time in a different kind of way. You changed me. It is bigger than the pain I feel. It has been day 4 and I am in a cast. My wounds will heal eventually...I wonder what I will find once the cast is off. I have set a date many years from now for me to check back on myself.

I let myself cry. I searched our photos for visual clues...as to when you started feeling something was off with us. I have so many wishes. I wished I had checked on us more. I never doubted our love for each other...I feel like a fool. A fool in love. In 2016, you cried and held me, asking me to stay...that the uncertainty you felt was all within you, a struggle you had to figure out on your own...that it was nothing to do with me. I believed you and we managed to be us again. But I guess we never were the same to you. 

I must be an absolute fool for not seeing the clues you left me. The cold, angry, silent fits you had shown...I still remember vividly of that night in Astoria, after having a dinner with our parents for the first time. You went silent, shut me out. I left you alone. You were struggling and I did not know how to help you. I feel so bad for putting you through so much. I had no idea you were so unhappy with the way things were heading. I wanted to be with you and therefore, I did not connect the dots.

I felt so alone during that beautiful night out...having a delicious dinner cooked by your parents. You were so "grumpy"...I felt so awkward and hurt..and sorrow for your parents..like it was my fault you were in a bad mood. Now I realize that it was.  

I was patient with our love. Did I mention I am a fool. Should have, could have...I guess I should be glad it is over now. You no longer have to feel guilt for not giving me what I wanted. You are free. I let you let me go. And yet here I am, still holding onto your shadows. 

I was texting with a friend about my loss. I know we are breathing the same air but I feel like I just buried you. You are no longer in my life. I feel like I am missing a body part. I will live with this hole inside of me. When I don't expect it, that hole will be filled again with some hope, some joy and even more love for me to give again if life permits...if I permit.

I definitely have said to myself "I never want to do this again." I was all-in with you. I want to try and protect myself after this. Therefore, my brain tells my heart, don't do it, don't do it again!!!!!!!!!!!!

 It really is not worth the pain you could feel in the end. I feel tired. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I lied to the person I was talking to when evaluating me for a therapist. She asked if I had thoughts of that in the last 30 days..and I lied. I don't know why. I don't lie..well, I did then. 

I had a black kitten once when I was in middle school. My dad said he gave it away because we cannot have a pet. I did not believe him. I remember crying a lot after school, coming home and not finding that kitty who would greet me happily. You used to greet me the same whenever I would come home..and the same for me upon your return. We always had a smile for each other..well, almost always. I would refer to you as my kitty. You even purred for me once in public without realizing it while I pet you. :-)

My kitty. You are out and about, exploring a new world on your own. I cannot keep you in anymore. Maybe you were never meant to be kept for me. I almost feel like I had a long, beautiful dream and now I am awake. It was all a dream.