Mirror Mirror in my Heart

You sketched me once in the very beginning of our courtship. You hated the way it came out. You showed me and then you ripped it into little pieces. That was the only time you sketched me. You were embarrassed that you could not draw my beauty the way you saw me. You used to use the word "beautiful" a lot to describe me. I never thought of myself that way. I still don't see it but as long as you thought so, I was happy. You felt the same about yourself. I saw so much beauty in you. We were shallow together. We enjoyed looking at each other. You were proud to be with me and I with you. 

I love your eyes. They are beautiful. The wrinkles I see as we got older together and those were all from the smiles you had for me. Your eyes are warm, nestled with curly lashes any girl would be jealous of. Your eyes will no longer be my mirror. They will see life without me. You say you will always love me. I wonder if that will fade after 10years...20years...30years... Will my love for you fade as well? 

Every day feels like a year...so long and not fast enough for me to feel whole again...I started functionally somewhat normally. I feel alone but I also want to be alone. Every time a friend checks in on me, I cannot help but start weeping. I feel blessed for their thoughts and well wishes. I know you have the same support. I don't worry about that. But I hope you do somehow deal with the emotions we have to go through. I hope you still write. 

I start the day well with jogging, Noom-ing, stomaching a breakfast...then as the day progress, I end up back here where I start talking to you in my head...I paint to remember you. I have shared these with some people... friends, strangers and maybe family...I want to share my pain, my love and what I am going through. Maybe even you but you don't know.

I sang a little today with my headphones on. Sorry neighbors! The words reflect what I am feeling. I am not a good singer but you enjoyed them. I would sometimes hum a tune and you asked what it was. I would make up as I went along. You said it was pretty and liked them. You would sing sometimes and I liked being your one audience. Now I wish I had a recording of your singing. 

I am a light weight as you know. I had a cider last week. I missed you. We hadn't kept in touch for almost a year...then I texted you. I said something stupid and you said you will email me. I wonder if you had prepared that email a while ago...or if my text gave you those words. It doesn't matter. You want to move on from me. You already started. That hurt and made me immediately delete our record of texts. I don't want to bother you with stupid texts anymore. 

I remember you asking me not to block you...asked me if I would take you back if this was all just a mid-life crisis that you were going through. I don't remember if I answered. But t sat there sad and seeing you cry. I held you and knew that was my wish..that you would take as long as you wanted...then come back to me so we can heal together. Instead, the year apart had forced you or made you want another route. I am trying to accept but I do understand. I am just sorry I caused you pain you did not want us to experience. I have not processed any of that yet. 

I know you want to be fair to me. You cannot ask me to wait for you. I offered you my hand but you said no because you want to punish yourself  Sometimes I think it would be easier if we had fallen out of love. But we fell in love and stayed...I was hoping it was also for both the downs as well as the ups. It was for me.