A beautiful dreamer but not mine

 

My healing starts today. This is probably not the most "healthy" way to move on from a person you love. My emotions go on paper by journaling and painting. I have not been heart broken as badly as this. I don't know if it was because of the length of time we shared or if it is because of how much I loved. The last 2 nights have been the toughest so far. I knew he needed more time but to move on from me...seeing those words hit me real hard...the finality of my life with him. Even though I had moved away from our apartment for a year now, he was always with me even apart. I secretly, deep down felt hopeful that he would ask me to not give up on us and that we needed more time apart for us to reflect, move on from our pain and heal together. That is another story and it is our story...well, at least for me, it is not something that I want to share with anyone...but maybe a therapist I am supposed to see. 

I don't know if it is the timing..or if he needs to grow up more...why he felt he could not commit to me forever. It could really be he does not feel it at all for me..the feeling you get when you realize you want to live forever with this person. I felt it.  It is hard to swallow and accept when I am given. I have to let him go now.  If he can find happiness elsewhere again with someone else, then I am truly glad...one day I will be alright with it without the singe of pain I feel. It is obviously hard for me to even imagine him being with someone else. He told me he started trying to make new connections but it has been difficult for him. It hurt even more to hear this fact. I shared this detail with 2 friends and they don't understand how this is possible with the pandemic and so soon...I guess, he needs to meet new people to forget me...to move away from the pain he feels bc of our past. For me, I cannot do so. I have tried that once when I had my heart broken for the first time. I experienced physical "pain" as well and could not eat normally and lost so much weight without even realizing it. Months after consulting with my doctor with many tests, it was all mental. I did not seek professional mental help.  I got help from friends and even a new friend. 

He was always there for me and sadly, he felt more for me. Eventually, I ended up hurting this new friend because I was not ready to give him what he wanted.  We used to get coffee during work, after work drinks, meals and just walk the streets. Sometimes, we would hold hands. I know, I should have known then but it did not occur to me at all. I just wanted this constant attention without any romance.  He did not want to be my rebound guy...Our "friendship" ended soon after and having to work together made it hard. Of course, we stopped hanging out. He even moved away for another job. To this day, I still feel sorry for what I had done to him. It was not the right timing and if I did see this person again, I would like to apologize for it. I am sure he does not have any negative feelings towards me at all. But I regret it  

My point is that...I still love this beautiful dreamer..imperfect in so many ways but right for me. As much as he was a prolific writer, I realize now he did not have the words to tell me about his feelings..the deep, dark kinds..the fears..It is not really his fault. He did not know how and did not want to see me in tears. I don't see tears as weakness. I am being silly here...I will never know his reasons but I know now. He does not want me  

I look back and see now there were times where I should have checked in on him..I did not see it then. It NEVER occurred to me that he did not see a future with me. I guess he felt comfortable in our situation and could not bring it up. 

I think all couples should do a check up! Check in with each other! Check in with a professional as well if you need help! I am finally asking for help. I have an appointment set next week to start my new journey sharing my pain. I hope I meet someone whom i feel comfortable to share. I was already shaky and even in tears just talking to a member service person! Out of desperation for help, I even reached out to my neighbors ( on an app) to see if there were others like me right now...hurting. A great handful of folks offered help, kind words and just an ear...I felt comforted and knowing I am not alone helped me to sleep an hour or 2 longer. Nights are the hardest right now. I don't know why. I drown myself in repeated songs that reflect my current emotions. I even found a podcast that has been helping me. Listening to essays written by people, sharing love stories. It brings me more tears, some smiles, some giggles and even hope  

We were on pause last year.  I thought if I gave him some time and space, he would be able to heal together...I think he realized he can still live without me  Ultimately, he can  I can as well  I don’t want to but I don’t really have a choice. I cannot fall asleep and not wake up. There are some dark times for me  I know he may have felt the same and I worry at times but I know he will be alright. He has shown me that he can.

I got an email on my birthday. He wished me happy birthday and said he did not know what else to say..but that he thinks of me often. It brought me tears and my birthday was just me feeling sorrow, walking around this new place. I felt alone but at the same time with him. Sharing a birthday was a fun coincidence for us but now it will hurt for a long time. I do not want to celebrate it anymore...give myself several years to find me again  Give myself some love  

A friend asked me what I wanted for myself, regardless of my bf. Did I want my own family? Did I want a marriage? What do I want apart from him? Well, I never wanted or imagine myself being married, having children of my own. I had pretty much given up on the idea of being with someone in my late 20s, heading to 30s. I was pretty content on being alone, being free and doing what I wanted without any emotional attachments. It changed because of him. He was a surprise to me. He made me want the forever commitment and even a family of our own. I never pressured him for any of them because I wanted us to move on our own speed. I never liked doing things what others did. I wanted just to be with him even if we never ever married. I did not see that as an important step in togetherness. I was wrong about that. I knew he wanted marriage and kids but he had changed. I don't know if it was me but he would be displeased having to even hang out w/his friends who had children. He did not know how to celebrate other's people's milestones. But he regarded them as something he did not want to face for himself. I don't know. I cannot speak for him. This is just what I saw and remember. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted a life with him.

I painted him the other night. I could not sleep. I want to paint him until I no longer feel sad about our break up. Is it odd to heal this way...I want to remember him. I don’t want to forget. I have a bad memory.